What I am doing here and why? This question was one of the first that I asked myself when I began this transition in life. I will have to admit that I have gone into many circles and emotional roller coasters since then. Both good and bad. Let me be honest, when you are dealing with real people with real problems your mind can have some of the best intentions to some of the most horrific thoughts that could get you convicted in any court system if you were to act on them.
Just recently my husband and I came to a crossroad in the “what am I doing here and why?” Now listen and understand we are great together, but most of the time we are quite different in how we handle situations which is common in a lot of relationships. In the last few weeks, we have spent a lot of time and energy trying to reevaluate our steps for the previous three years. Some of these moments have caused disappointment, anger, and tears. Yes. I am telling you the other side of the smiling faces, and the so-called hand-shaking politician photo opts. We have done some wonderful things in the last few years that has been a blessing and motivation to many people, but it has come at a cost.
So one day we wake up, moving about our day then here it is -the “what the hell happen?”. We are confused, exhausted and slightly looking sideways at everything we had built. How did trying to make a difference turn into such a burden? We will always help those that are in need to the best of our ability. But, we had to decide who was truly in need. Are we wisely using the resources that God has allowed in our possession? And I am not just talking about money. I am talking about time, energy, emotion, and spiritual well-being.
My husband and I difference in handling the “what the hell happen” question is mainly due to our life experiences in the 17 plus years before our reunion. We have learned at this crossroad that his ability to remain in “recovery” demands the understanding, evaluation, and accountability of resources entrusted to him. I have learned that my “confidence” in people demands the understanding, evaluation, and accountability of the resources that I possess. Otherwise, we could both fall back into past behaviors that left him struggling to be sober and me struggling to trust and have confidence in people.
I could write pages about the crossroad we have found ourselves in, but I know your time is limited so with that I will end here. For “what I am I doing here and why?” I have learned that I must know and properly utilize my resources. This means being perfectly okay with saying “no”; perfectly okay with making a mistake; and perfectly okay with plainly feeling hopeless for just a moment. After that, get back up, re-evaluate, and be accountable for your next move.
I hope this helps someone as they move through life trying to make a difference.
© 2017 All words & images by Tanya Graham unless otherwise noted.